| Feminine Angst |
[21 Oct 2009|12:59pm] |
I remember being 19 and 20. I remember how happy life was, how carefree I felt, how friendly I was to everybody. Back then, I couldn't work out in my head why older women, mid-20's and up had it out for us younger chicks so bad. Well, I get it now. Because after a man breaks a woman's heart, the first place he goes to feel better is into the arms of that carefree 19, 20 year old. Almost every woman will experience this. And if a woman has particularly bad luck and this happens to her repeatedly, she becomes a cougar.
Bottom line is: Every woman would be good and sane if it weren't for the works of men.
Even Lorena Bobbit is starting to make sense to me now.
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| It's so funny... |
[12 Oct 2009|02:31am] |
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...the turn of events that occurs immediately after heartbreak. The whole routine you had before is shattered. So where do you go from here? Walk to bars close to home late at night to become obliterated. Go Eternal Sunshine on the whole thing. Because staying at home, where you last held each other, is completely unbearable.
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| City Beautiful |
[04 Oct 2009|07:51pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Boy With a Coin by Iron and Wine |
] |
So, I know it's going to sound a little bold, but I think I'm ready to call Orlando home. Not that I don't want to leave and live in many different parts of the world, but that this is the place I would like to always come back to. Mainly, I think it's the people I know here. I also like the fact that the city isn't too big, and that I can go down to the parks for a couple hours in the afternoon to ride a roller coaster. I also have met several people that have moved away to live in very exciting places, and they talk about how they missed Orlando so while they were away and how they'd always come back here. There's variety in areas to live in central FL, too, and the drive to a beach, and to other major Florida cities isn't that long. Okay, you get the picture.
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| .. |
[28 Sep 2009|03:16am] |
Having a glass of wine with myself, by myself, getting to know myself.
Hello, self.
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[28 Sep 2009|02:26am] |
| [ |
music |
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Sting. He is always there for me. |
] |
Going to live alone again soon. I'm pretty sure that it's just the beginning of a very long end, even if he denies it and tells me he still loves me. I know the love is fleeting fast from him, even before he does. It feels like the first time I saw my love slipping. Strange how all heartbreaks feels like the first one, even though each love feels different from the next.
But I am strong. I say f**k it.
We are going camping with a few friends on a beach in St. Augustine this weekend, and there will be mushrooms. I WILL maintain composure and positive thinking for this trip. I will prove to myself just how strong I am, even while heartbroken.
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| ... |
[26 Sep 2009|05:15am] |
I've been thinking about objectivity a lot lately.
How to gauge when the appropriate time is to place self, and to recede.
And how we've got it all backwards, you know?
We involve ourselves where it's unnecessary, and we withdraw ourselves in matters that are worth a damn.
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| Tonight I cried hard |
[19 Sep 2009|04:14am] |
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Things that I haven't felt in a while, all came back in one blistering moment through a song and through a man that my grown-up has fallen in love with.
But I'm like a child.
Things are in a way that you might not see.
But yeah you hold me like a child.
I go backwards tonight, I cry and I hold myself like a child.
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| In case of apocolypse... |
[06 Aug 2009|10:03pm] |
| [ |
music |
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311- I'll be here a while |
] |
I learned how to make a bow drill kit last night. Still no fire, but it'll happen soon. I have faith.
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| hmm... |
[03 Aug 2009|09:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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heavenly |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Devotchka |
] |
Today, for my second day of doing so, I spent the first 4 hours studying algebra and world history (since I can't afford college right now, I want to keep sharp for when I can go back) from textbooks I found while cleaning Nikki's apartment. Later, I went for a run in the rain, while the sun was setting (and I ran under a rainbow!) the mile and a half or so it take's to get from my place to Brad's. And I just finished a bowl of thawed-frozen berries sitting in a corner amid towers of cardboard, and the light was orange and dim and it was heavenly.
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| The time is coming... |
[31 Jul 2009|01:00pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Arcade Fire- Wake Up |
] |
I've been having these dreams lately, these prophetic dreams, very real seeming. After talking to a friend about it, I'm almost convinced now, that I'm being prepped for something big that is going to happen soon, something that won't require the body. I know, it sounds even silly to me. I'm just toying with the thought, but it's very close to making sense to me. Last night, in my dream, the U.S. was destroyed in 2 days. The west was swallowed by a great flood, the east, I can't remember how, but the west went first. The night before, I fought with an evil spirit, and I woke up, unable to move, my body seemingly vibrating. According to my friend who is well schooled in these matters, this was my first out of body experience. She told me to try take control of this when it happens to me, that what I experienced had nothing to do with my body or mind, and that it would do us all good to strengthen this part of ourselves. And it's funny because for the past few weeks, before the dreams, I couldn't stop thinking about the people who are totally enveloped in media, in politics, in hollywood, and all these things that don't matter. Are they actually tools to distract us from honing this other side of us that we've all but forgotten? And the fact that I've been thinking this way, with no real knowledge or interest, and then the dreams, it all seems a little too coincidental to me. In my dream last night, I was scared because I knew I wasn't ready, not for what was going to happen to my body, that would be just the beginning, but for what was going to happen after that. Is the time drawing nearer? And is anyone else feeling this?
Or am I going mad?
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| early morning, alone, life |
[17 Jun 2009|05:29am] |
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I used to know what I wanted to do with myself and the world, and with my dreams, my actual dreams. Shot scene from scene, they were honest but complicated, simple and layered, and most definitely undefinable.
Sad I am without a working compass.
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| Sometimes you are surprised by... |
[22 May 2009|03:10am] |
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music |
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Badly Drawn Boy |
] |
How you find yourself discovering life at the tail end.
And by rejection in the form of ridicule. Behind your back.
By secret rendezvous. Twice in one night.
And by how comfortable you are, you really are, by just being you.
This life never ceases to amaze me.
I don't ask for all these twists and turns, but there they are.
Whether they are twisting and turning externally or internally.
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| The natural fascination with the abomination. |
[17 May 2009|12:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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just woke up |
] |
| [ |
music |
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beck |
] |
I've heard once or twice in my life that it is perfectly natural for us to invest interest in the horrible and mortifying. That's why long lines of traffic are caused by rubber-necking and shows like Faces of Death are made. I've heard it's natural, but like a kid who's embarrassed of her natural sexual feelings, I feel embarrassed, and even slightly frightened by this.
A few bizarre things have happened lately, terrible things, and they're stuck in my head. I wake up thinking about them, and I think about them more than a few times a day. Here are two examples:
1.) On Cinco De Mayo this year, there was a girl who was a server at a restaurant, a stone's throw away from where I live, who got off work and had a few drinks with some coworkers. She left and started to walk somewhere, her destination I'm not too sure about, but wherever she was going she was taking the Lake Eola route. Some black bum, a local black bum (this city's so small, we know all of our homeless by face, and some of them by name, which makes this all the more scary) popped her over the head with a large rock, and raped her. All right behind the very place she worked.
2.) A server that I work with has, for the past few months, been dating a man who is technically married. He's been separated for a long time, just waiting for all the technicalities to be settled. He has two children with his previous wife. Well, my server friend and this "married" man are in love, and they began making plans to move in together. The "wife" caught wind of this and lost it. She started showing up to my work, pulling coworkers aside, and saying awful stuff about the girl we work with. She started talking to her lawyer, trying to make it impossible for the lovebirds to move in together. And the other night, the "wife" came over to my friend's house and proceeded to scream and yell and cry at her ex and his new woman. She really went off the handle. She finally left, went back to her house, and hung herself in her backyard with a dog leash. Fucking selfish bitch had two kids, too.
I know it's not just me. I see people fretting over the latest news of Cayce Anthony all the time. If something awful happens, there's almost a gleam in a person's eye when they know that they're the first person to tell the story. So I know it's natural. So why am I still so bugged out by my own personal fascination with the abomination?
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| Oh yeah... |
[10 May 2009|01:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the cars |
] |
One wine glass of white grape juice.
One mini blueberry muffin.
Just this one last cigarette.
Listening to Drive by The Cars.
One lonely Saturday night.
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| i hate heartbreak |
[01 May 2009|09:49pm] |
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ihateheartbreakihateheartbreakihateheartbreakihateheartbreakihateheartbrakeihateheartbreakihateheartbreak
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| And just like that, it was all gone. |
[29 Apr 2009|09:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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is this love |
] |
It was perfect. It was a perfect time. Why did I think for a minute that it would last? Living in a cheap downtown apartment with an amazing best friend and an amazing boyfriend. I've always wondered what it would be like to live on my own. But not under the conditions of being abandoned all at once. I mean, really, in a days time or so. Okay, so losing the boyfriend was all my fault. He'd given me just one thing to stay away from. He could forgive me for just about anything except for this one thing. But that pestering snake just wouldn't leave me alone, and I was dumb enough to just not say no. And so here I am, watching him pack all of his things away, untangling everything that was ours to "his and mine" piles, and that's a good time, my friend thought, to tell me through other people that she decided to move in with her boyfriend. Whatever, it's a good move for her, his place is way better than this place anyways. Dan and Becky are staying here for a month or so since their house got foreclosed on, but they'll be moving on soon too. I used to relish the moments when I had the place to myself. But now that I know that no one will be coming home, that I'm not gonna see a smiling face rushing in screaming "KINSKIE!" and attacking me with tickles and kisses, that I'm not gonna hear the drunken laughter of that Bralenja creature coming down the hall, I loathe it. I'm doing my best to stay positive, but ain't that a task.
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| Things |
[11 Apr 2009|02:12pm] |
Two park annual Universal tickets have been keeping us entertained.
My dreams have been very vivid lately.
I got to babysit the most adorable little girl last night.
I dyed my hair and it came out shitty.
I royally fucked up in my new family circle. I have this tight-knit social group, I mean, we really are like family. We bought annual passes together, we live together, we cook and clean for each other, we buy random gifts for each other. I did a stupid, stupid thing the other day. Elena forgave me first, like she always does. She's known me long enough to know I don't mean any harm by these things. But the boys, especially Brad, I don't know if they'll ever get over it. I feel so bad. These people are so important to me, how could I?
In my dream last night, I went down to Ft. Myers to get married. My wedding dress was beautiful. It was much like the one Audrey Hepburn wore in Funny Face. I was so caught up in all the wedding affairs that I didn't realize that the groom (who was supposed to be Tim) wasn't there, he was still in Orlando. I had already gone through the whole ceremony in such a daze that I didn't realize he was missing. After the "wedding" I asked my mom if I was actually married now, since the groom never showed up, and she broke down in tears and told me I wasn't, and I was kind of relieved. Omar called my sister and asked to speak to me. He told me he heard I was in town and it would be a shame to not visit him. I told him I was down for my wedding, so no funny business. When he picked me up, I was still in my wedding dress. I didn't want to take it off. Omar drove me to my old high school where there was a reunion going on. I went straight to the center. I was overcome with sadness when I got there. The two class rooms that had made up the visual arts department had gone down to one, and Mrs. Roeder was no longer there. All of the center had shrunk. The trees that bore the yellow flowers were gone. Mr. Smith was the last remaining original teacher, and he didn't smile once. Whitney George came in on a white horse. She had done something great, I couldn't figure it out, but she had changed the world somehow, and was quite highly revered. I went to the theater department, climbed up on the rafters and smoked a joint with a student.
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| I'm sure, but I still wonder |
[09 Apr 2009|02:08am] |
| [ |
music |
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up against the wall |
] |
They say that smell is the most effective way to trigger memory. For me, it's music. I'm sure it's the case, but I still wonder if anyone else gets transported so vividly back to a particular point in their past from a certain song. Sometimes, I can't even listen to a song all the way through because of this feeling. And it could be an incredibly happy song related to an equally incredible moment, but the feeling is overlapped by a thick layer of nostalgia and I get this emotion that scares me because I can't define it, and I have to turn off the music. This happens mostly at night when I'm alone. I hope I don't become someone that lives so much in my past, but it's so intriguing to me. I can listen to any given track off of Writer's Block by Peter Bjorn and John, and all the sudden I'm back in that living room, and I can smell that old house, and that peculiar lighting becomes so vivid again. It's a big emotion for me. I hate it, I love it.
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| Mr. Blue Sky please tell us why you had to hide away for so long... |
[03 Apr 2009|11:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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inspired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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all of it |
] |
The path was never bad, no matter how off track.
Everything always had light.
I want to envelop you and share this.
It's a feeling like always being at that last moment of life looking back, being really really happy about it all.
There is a freedom there always, accessible to anyone.
It's something very hard to explain but so easy to understand. And you won't be sad again, or sorry for yourself, or overly worried, or angry.
It's the important abstract to me, and it's my basis for spirituality. It's my main inspiration, what drives me to try and try again to express the inexpressible. It's what fuels my never failing interest in all the arts, and thirst for knowledge.
I hate and I love that I can not hand it to you tangibly.
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| Update |
[07 Mar 2009|01:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Band of Horses |
] |
New Sony Vaio.
New 32" hi def tv.
New PS3.
Saw Watchmen. Not gonna even try to put in my two cents since I've never read the graphic novel (though I'd like to) and I feel like that makes any of my opinions about the movie null and void to most.
Same job for a year now, same boyfriend, same apartment. Things have finally quieted down a lot for me. I like it the way a logical person should like it. I don't like it because I'm me.
Finally started my project that I've had in mind for 6 years.
It's going to change the world. :)
I miss everyone.
~Heather
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